Everyday my heart breaks a little more. I am in agony ever sense I discovered Jehovah’s Witnesses are not truly lead by Jehovah’s Holy Spirit. I have come to understand that one must truly be willing to sacrifice his friends and family according to what Jesus said:

Matthew 16 :25, “For whoever wants to save his soul will lose it; but whoever loses his soul for my sake will find it.”
Matthew 10:37-39, “He that has greater affection for father or mother than for me is not worthy of me; and he that has greater affection for son or daughter than for me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not accept his torture stake and follow after me is not worthy of me. He that finds his soul will lose it, and he that loses his soul for my sake will find it.”

I feel in order to progress and gain Christ I need to be honest. I no longer believe JW’s have the “truth”. It is 2010 and look at where we are. I was lied to. I’m growing old without a plan for retirement. Being honest will lead to my being disfellowshipped. Thus I am in turmoil. All my family including two of my children are JW’s. My wife is too. I crave a relationship with Christ but I know what is written. I don’t know what to do. Well I think I know what to do but I am afraid to do it. I want to find a way to witness to my family without getting myself disfellowshipped. I was talking to JJ and he had the idea of writing letters anonymously to friends. That might do something. I just don’t know. I pray that God will lead me to do the right thing. Jesus was very clear about this however it is so much easier said then done. I quoted those scriptures many times to people who were not JW’s in my ministry. Now I find they apply to me. It is weighing heavy on my heart to the point I find myself almost sick and very depressed over it. I do not want to loose my family. I was disfellowshipped one time and it hurt. Not so much being put out of the religion but the loss of my family and friends was painful. Any suggestions are welcome.

Christian love, (I still think I’m a Christian)

Rating 4.50 out of 5

13 Comments on Everyday my heart breaks a little more

  1. JJ says:

    Hang in there Greybeard. You know that Jehovah sees your heart. All any of us can do is try to live a Christlike life. Dont stop studying his word and praying for his will to be made known to you. You’ll figure it out and then the “peace of God that excels all thought” will be yours.


  2. greybeard says:

    Your a good friend JJ 😉

    I look at the way things have happened and it seams like Jehovah has been leading me. Remember the day I shared my feelings with you then latter you opened up to me. It really does help me to have a friend like you that understands. Maybe Jehovah helped us to trust each other. Dennis you too have been a good friend and you understand as well. You have been there for me from day one. You guys are my spiritual support friends through this. I really feel sorry for anyone who goes through this alone. Were you on your own Dennis? I tell you it isn’t easy. I am very lucky to have you guys as friends. Can I say lucky? 😉

    Love always,


    • Dennis says:

      “Were you on your own Dennis?”

      No, Jehovah and Jesus were with me. Although for the life of me, sometimes I don’t know why! Just as I initially started to get a handle on things (after my awakening) my wife left me, in part, due to my position on issues I had with the Society and my changing beliefs. She didn’t like her son exposed to it I’m sure and she didn’t want to hear it herself. Even though she was disfellowshipped at the time she couldn’t handle the change I was going through. For her it was like the “Hotel California” syndrome, (You can check out but you can never leave). After that I started to slide back into the world but through it all I could feel the Lord hanging on to me, I mean really, I could. Apparently he wasn’t done yet (still isn’t) and for that I’m grateful. I like where I’m going now and I value the association of yourself and those I am finding here and have found elsewhere. I thank the Lord and my heavenly Father for not giving up on me!



  3. Andrew says:

    Thank you Greybeard for expressing your deepest thoughts. It seemed like I was reading something written by myself. Almost all of what you say applys to me. At one time I thought I could continue as elder, but alas after a time my conscience would not allow me. And now It is hard to live what feels like a double life, believing one thing and sometimes saying a different thing.

    Where I live I cannot such fade out. 1 elder lives next door to me on one side another elder lives on the other. I love them and consider them good friends, but I can’t be honest with them or I will be DFed.

    The solution for me may be in moving and then simply becoming inactive. It is the only thing I have thought of that will keep my conscience clear and still make it possible to communicate with my family.

    Don’t give up Greybeard. Jehovah will always take care of his own. My prayers are with you.



    • Dennis says:

      Although I didn’t move I was able to fade. Funny how there is actually a term to describe this isn’t it. GB, I know your situation and it is absolutely more difficult than what I faced. Since I’ve known you for so many years, I also know that you love Jah and Jesus intensely. They will carry you through come what may.



  4. greybeard says:

    Thank you Andrew and Dennis,
    Andrew how did you find this web site? Do you know anyone here? Do you live in California?


  5. Jayme says:

    Hello Greybeard and friends,

    Brother, my heart goes out to you in your agony. These are extremly trying circumstances to deal with. I too remember feeling as you do, and still do at times. I dont know how long its been since you discovered the truth about the “truth”, but I remember that in my case the feelings of heartbreak and agony were very strong at first. As I continued to grow closer to Christ and understand more, my agony slowly changed to an overwhelming appreciation and peace. I have spent the last two years in intense study and research together with prayer. I dont go to the meetings but may eventually try to do so again, I’m still praying about it. Yes, I think that eventually I will be DF’d, but I hope I can stave it off for a while longer. A live dog is better than a dead lion, so I try to help my family discreetly where I can. The WT will eventually put us all in a position and we will have to choose Christ. Pray for the brothers who are still clueless. Continue to focus on prayer and study, reach out for support, focus on the positive things about your new situation especially your opportunity to grow closer than ever in your relationship with Christ Jesus. Take one day at a time, be patient with your self, and rely on the Lords strength.


  6. Jon says:

    They are part of BTG, you all need to get out.


  7. Amos says:

    Yes, my heart goes out to all who have been lied to & deceived by the GB. It was such a shock to me also when I began to realize that many things that we were taught, did not have any basis in scripture.
    But that’s past now for most of us here, & we need to both look to the future, & move forward together by means of strong scriptural beliefs, & mutual support of each other, & complete reliance on the Lord.
    Several times in the past few months, I’ve almost given up myself, but then the Holy Spirit brings something to mind, & I pick myself up, & get back into study again.
    I have two daughters who went out of my life when they were 4 years, & 11 months old respectively. They are now 15, & 12, with no contact for these years….this is another thing that weighs heavily for me. This was from the time my ex wife committed adultery with the only elder in the cong. where we were living. They have since married, & he has been kicked out by her, about three years ago. They may even be divorced now.
    There is one verse that has kept me sane for many years now, Ps. 55:22;
    “Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you;
    He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.”
    This is so true, Yahweh will always sustain us & lead us in the path of truth. I personally have learned more from the bible in the last two years, than my entire life prior to this time. I believe, it’s all to do with our desire & will to serve our Father, HE will then support us as only He knows the best things for His faithfull servants.
    We DON’T need the WTS, we need a personal relationship with our Father, & His Son. A faithful older Br. recently shared the following two verses from the book of John with me.

    Jn.14:6; “Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.”

    I said to him, “Yes I know that.” He then said, “But have you thought how this verse fits in with Jn.6:44?” Of course I hadn’t.

    6:44; “No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up on the last day.”

    You see, this is why we are here now….the Father has drawn us to His son, & Jesus then intercedes on our behalf before our Father, & the comforter, the Holy Spirit brings refreshing for our spiritual growth, “on an individual basis”, which we can then share with each other, & help to build up the body of Christ collectively.



  8. disappointed says:

    I’m just wondering how you guys have found things since Greybeard wrote this? I’m at this stage myself and wonder how it’s going to go. I’ve found this website so upbuilding and encouraging and yes I too have found JJ to be a good friend and brother in a time of need. I’ve felt like giving up in the past but somehow like you all have felt that Jehovah and Jesus have been holding out their hands to grab me before I go floating off. They’ve not let go of me and now they are guiding me to wonderful new places.
    How are things these days for all of you?


    • andrew says:

      I’m glad you’ve found the site encouraging, disappointed. Many of us have gone through or are going through this emotional roller coaster.

      I have totally stopped going to meetings and reporting field service time. I have had many judgmental and condemnatory comments thrown my way by the elders, one has been especially scathing in his comments. But our Father nor His son have left me. I feel stronger spiritually now than I have ever felt in my life. I now know with their approval the worse thing I could go through is bearable.

      The fact that there are a number of us going thru the same thing has also made it easier. I feel that this experience has benefited me greatly. I’m not the same person I was before.


Leave a Reply

Website Apps